I have won, so why do I feel so bad?
by Inu's Hanyo
Summary: a/n I have never liked Kikyo, its true. but i know what its like. please, all kikyo lovers and kagome loves alike. please read . 'she is me, I am her, and yet she is what I can never be'
1. Chapter 1

'I have won, so why do I feel so bad?'

By,

Inu's Hanyo

Chapter 1 'She is me'

"Kikyo. . I love you."

I've only heard those words in my false dreams, but now, I hear them aloud. Coming from the lips of the one man in this reached world I love. He tells me this. Taking my pale and chalky hands in his warm larger ones. He looks straight into face, his molten gold eyes burning into mine. I know he means what he says. I need no further proof. He loves me, even after I have once left this world. He loves me for me.

I give him oath in return, trying desperately to tell him just how much he means to me. But not finding the words. He touches my face with the back of his clawed hand, whispering my name. as he leans in to kiss my cheek. . . something catches me eye.

A girl, younger than myself, hiding in the bushes. Tears running down her childlike cheeks and into her white blouse. I know who it is. I know the face, for it is my own. She is me. she is who I can never be. She is alive, born from her mother and brought to this time through the sacred well. She is beautiful, a mere 15 in age. She is pure, unscathed, protected and loved. By all those who know her, loved by all, including the man in front of me. I look back into his golden eyes, he searches for an answer to my saddened expression.

I know what ive done to be wrong, but I love this man, with all my being. And yet I know, as does she. The girl who is better than I, in every way shape and form, she is better. She is what ive always wanted. With her face like silk and her hair as black as night with no light. true, she resembles me, but she is more.

It has always been there, though she may not have known. His feelings for her. It was me against this angel. Me against something much, much better. Even if she doesn't know, or doesn't want to accept it, it was there. That look in his readable eyes told me everything. She gave him what I could not. She was there, when I was not able to be.

So why did it end here. Why was he here now? Telling me that he loves me, that he wants me over her. Why? It should not end like this. I love him. I really do. But that look in that girls face, it can make a demon cry. A demon. Me.

What I have done. Trying to take a larger place in his heart, as I am doing now. It feels so right to be with him, to be near him. But is it wrong? To hurt an angel the way I am.

I watch as the crying girl turns and starts to run into the thicket, salty tears marking her trail. He raises his head, realizing her presence for the first time. His eyes look away from me and towards the spot where she had been standing moments before. His nose twitches and his eyes go out of focus. He suddenly realizes what I had been seeing. He looks back at me, I can see the pain in his beautiful eyes. He knows he has hurt her.

I nod my head, telling him its ok. Answering the question his eyes had asked for him. His body turns away from mine, and he is gone. He is going after the girl. I don't know what he is going to do. He has told me that he has chooses me over her. As much as I don't believe him, I must trust him to know what he is doing.

-c-

I keep my eyes in line, tracing leaves on the wet ground. It has just stopped raining. He has come back. Back to me. he tells me the girl is gone. That he told her that he wanted me. that he wanted me over her. I cant believe what I'm hearing. I'm happy. Can you blame me? I've won. I've won his heart. . it's true. . then why do I feel so horrible now.

He takes my hand, and kisses my lips. He is warm, soft, soothing. He is mine.

But

If all this is true, that he loves me, that he wants me.

Why do I feel so bad?. Bad for her? Feel bad that she feels bad? Do I regret my place in his heart.?

-blah-

(A/N im done with this chapter. Sorry its so short. Ill try to make the next longer. Please read and review, I would like to know what you all think. Bad or good, I want to know)


	2. The Begining of the End

Disclamer: I don't own lord Sesshomaru or Inuyasha.. I guess whishes don't come true

'I have won, so why do I feel so bad?'

By,

Inu's Hanyo

Chapter 2 'the beginning of the end'

The morning air was cool and crisp, I opened my dark eyes to see that the sun was just deciding to get up. What a long night it had been. I sat up, thankfull to not have to try and sleep any more. He came last night. Again. He was with me till the middle of the night. He said then that he had to go, had to make sure she got home. I knew what he was meaning. He wanted to say good bye. He loved her, I accepted that long ago. And now here I was, causing them both so much pain.

I got to my knees and straightened out my kimono. My movements were slow, I was tired, but I couldn't sleep. Everything that was happening was keeping me awake. I couldn't stop thinking about him. Him and her. Was it wrong to be intruding so much.

I know she loves him, with everything she is. And indeed, I feel the same. I do know that he loves her in return, but also loves me. He has chosen which he wants. And even though it was me. . I still feel bad for her.

Is it my fault that he loves me, that he chose me?

Sometimes I truly feel like the bad person in this situation. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. Yes, I love him. And yes, I want to be with him, in life or in death.. but am I wrong. I know for a fact that she is better than I am. That she is more than me. so why did he choose me and not her?

I have so many questions, but no one to turn to. I have so much guilt, but no one to help me. I have him. I do.

Am I jelous? Do I say such great things about her with distaste in my mouth? Do I praise her only because I know that I can never be like her. I say that I have accepted it, that he loves her too. So why does it hurt me when he goes to her. He says he has chosen me. he kisses me, passionately.

This is all too much.

I want him. I love im. I wouldent gice him up for anything.

And yet.

Here I am. Fooling sorry for the woman he chose to leave.

Would it be better for me to leave? To wish them best then just disappear?

Ive thought about this for a long time. About leaving them. I want her to be happy, and its killing me to see her miserable.

She holds nothing against me, though she has every right to. Why?

Is she so great, to be so selfless.

Sometimes I wish.. that he would have choosen her and left me. but why?

Why do I say that? Why do I sometimes wish that?

"Kikyo.." a soft and child like voice called.

"yes?" I replied finding the owner of the sweet voice in an instant. It was her, she was standing here, right in front of me. so beautifull.

"Kikyo.. I am leaving." She said bluntly.

I looked away. "you don't have to.." I mumbled.

"Yes… I do." I could tell this was hard for her. "he loves you, not me." her voice cracked in the end.

I didn't know what to say, all this pain was caused by me. and I called myself a priestess.

"goodbye."

"… … Kagome wait." I looked up. Her back was turned to me and her head was lowered.

"yea?" I could tell she was close to tears.

"please.. come here."

"why?"

"I want to tell you something."

She turned, so slowly and came to face me. she stepped towards me, until she was right in front if me.

"you must know.." I couldent continue. My mask was breaking, my emotions were getting the better of me.

"know.. what?"

"he loves you."

"no he doesn't. he made that a point when he chose you." I looked her in the eyes, what she was saying, she thought was true.

"believe me. he loves you."

"Kagome? Kikyo?" it was him, he was walking right into our clearing. Him, with his gorgeous face, his masculine features, its no wonder why we both fell for him.

Kagome didn't turn to look at him, her gaze was a my feet.

"kikyo.. whats going on?" he asked, his voice like velvet.

I choked out the words that have been in my heart for a long time, the reality of my pain. The only solution.

"I want… I want you to be with her.. Inuyasha."

-xx-

Wow.. sorry so short. Please review so I know if u want me to continue.

Ja ne


	3. Chapter 3

I don't flippen own Inuyasha.

I have won, so why do I feel so bad?

By,

Inu's Hanyo

Chapter 3

Inuyasha stared at me with blank eyes. His expression was unreadable as he just stood there, in the outskirts of the clearing. I cleared my thought, trying to push back the gigantic lump that was forming.

My gaze flickered from Inuyasha's eyes over to Kagome's. Her expression was nothing like Inuyasha's it was filled with an emotion I haven't seen in her dark blue eyes in a long while. Hope. I restrained myself from shuttering at the thought.

My body felt weak and my heart felt numb.

"W-What." It was Inuyasha who broke the deadly silence. I looked back at him, tears starting to form in my hard eyes. I blinked, pushing them and just continued to look at him.

"I .. I want you two to be happy." I stammered out, my throat hot and cracking.

I could swear that out of the corner of my eye I could see Kagome wearing a half hopeful smile.

"I am happy."

The words barley left his mouth when Kagome winced.

I stood there, in the middle of these two could be lovers.

"no," I said. "your not. Not without her." No emotion was held in my words. It was the truth, and I knew that.

Inuyasha made a movement towards me but I put up my hand to stop him.

"no." I repeated. "you .. need her." I almost choked as my throat seemed to close up. Probably my hearts way to try to get me to stop suffocating it with my words.

But I didn't stop.

"Be with her."

Inuyasha's face darkened. "I can make my own decisions." He said, and Kagome winced again.

"Inu.." her voice held the sound of a plea, though she continued no further.

Inuyasha looked directly at Kagome.

"I love you."

This time, it was my turn to wince. It felt as if I had been punched in the stomach. The pain filled my lungs, expanding but not breathing.

Kagome looked up and straight into Inuyasha's eyes, her tears filled her now light eyes. But before the salty tear could fall she swiped it away with her wrist, turned, and ran like hell away from me and the hanyo.

"Go." I said, glad my voice had come back to me, even if the pain had not yet left.

"Kikyo.." he started, but I shook my head.

"Go." I repeated, wishing my voice help more authority.

"Kikyo. I have to tell you something." He went on regardless.

I fixed my gaze directly on him.

"I'm leaving."

I almost looked away, but he moved towards me so quick I didn't have time to react. Then he was there, holding my shoulders still. I guess I didn't notice my shaking.

"I… I have a bride elsewhere."

/END/

Yea yea.. sorry its soo short.. ill make the next one longer.. just be happy I updated.. loll…

Ja ne


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